I Haven't Been Drinking Ociffer
by LlamasInShortPants
Summary: Alcohol. Computer. This little bit of writing was the horrific result. Just say no kids... just say no.


A/N: So. Sarah (me) was working on the next chapter of Tangle last Friday. Then went to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert that night. Had a blast and a tad to much to drink. Came back. Found her laptop on standby with the document still open. Proceeded to, like most inebriated people, get a brilliant idea. And wrote the following. I read it again the next evening, when I could again look at my screen without having the bright lights sending a burst of pain through my entire skull, and laughed my ass off. I don't know whether you'll find it quite as amusing, but I thought I may as well post it since I don't know what else to do with it. Be warned, it's really dumb and it's really bad, but maybe it'll make you feel better about your own writing =)

Warning: Logan bashing. Sorry, the guy kinda bugs me and I have some MAJOR unresolved issues with the season finale. Logan "saving" Alec during the climactic fight scene just about caused me to spontaneously combust. I won't give gory details, but suffice to say that there was much foul language and a pillow was unfortunately beaten to within an inch of it's life.

I've gone through and fixed the spelling and some grammar to make it easier to understand, otherwise I haven't touched it.

_And be a simple kind of man,_

_Oh, be something that you love and understand,_

_Baby, be a simple kind of man,_

_Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can._

- "Simple Man" Lynyrd Skynyrd

_Please allow me to introduce myself_

_I am a man of wealth and taste_

_I've been around for a long, long year_

_Stole many a mans soul and faith_

- "Sympathy for the Devil" Rolling Stones

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"I consider myself a simple kind of man." Logan Cale sat in his opulent living room and watched the deep burgundy wine make elegant legs against the glass. "Something that I love and understand. Mother would be proud."

"Nonsense." Alec draped one knee over the arm of his plush recliner and smiled lazily, "Allow _me to introduce you Sir Cale - you are a man of wealth and taste and you've been around for a long, long year."_

Logan frowned into his glass, he was sure there was an insult hidden somewhere in that (not the wine, the comment) only he couldn't quite grasp it. Oh, well. He downed the rest of the burgundy and refilled the glass.

Max walked into the room, her gait a little too careful, several beers dangling from her fingers.

"I'm shocked you're not drinking wine, Max." Logan frowned. "This is a 1987 pre-pulse sauvignon blanc. And check out how stick-up-my-assish I sound pronouncing 'sauvignon' in my snooty French accent."

"Terribly impressed, Log." Max said, handing Alec a beer and dropped her empty bottle onto a table already covered in them. "Check out how stupid I look doing my I'm-sneaking-down-a-dark-hallway-and-must-be-quiet-lest-I-be-discovered annoying crouchy walk."

She then proceeded to bend her legs halfway and do said annoying-crouchy-walk over to the couch. Considering how drunk she was, it was a very good impression of the annoying-crouchy-walk.

"And check out how hot I am." That was Alec.

There was a long, long silence while Alec's hotness was fully appreciated.

Then the writer remembered to wipe her drool off her keyboard.

"Why haven't I shagged you again?" Max asked absently.

"Because we need to retain our platonic but highly sexually charged friendship." Alec explained, taking a long swig. "It's common knowledge that all good television shows have to have sexual tension."

"But what about mine and Max's sexual tension?" Logan asked.

Max and Alec laughed uproariously.

Logan frowned. Again with the insult and the not getting of.

"You just ended a sentence with a preposition." Logan took another drink. Then he mysteriously spilled it all over his most expensive gold lame jumpsuit. (never piss off the writer).

"Oh, no." He wailed. "My most expensive gold lame jumpsuit! I'll never be able to afford to have it fixed."

"That's what you get for being a total ass-munch and giving away millions of dollars _on principal." Max said. "I really think that's when it was truly over for us."_

"No, it was over when you admitted how you felt about each other." Alec replied, "Everyone knows that it's always over the minute the protagonists come to terms with their feelings."

There was silence while nobody contemplated this particular piece of philosophy. It involved far to many words with far to many syllables.

"I should probably take off all my clothes, huh." Said Alec.

Definitely.

"I think that I dislike you so much because you're so much better looking than I." Logan observed, his S's slurring.

"Not hard to do." Alec smiled (and hearts fluttered), "Have you taken a good look at yourself in the first episode of the second season? That hair and those glasses, man – it was like you'd developed leprosy over the summer."

"Well I made up for it in the season finale, when I saved you from getting your ass kicked by that breeding cult chick."

"Stop bickering, boys." Max interrupted lazily.

"Sanctimonious prick." Alec muttered into his beer.

James Cameron suddenly walked into the room.

"James Cameron, director of Terminator and Titanic and winner of an Academy Award for Best Director, has suddenly walked into the room." A smooth, deep voice said from parts unknown (though we suspect it came from his ass).

"Hello." He said. And the room blew up.

Tragedy.

But Alec walked away from the mysterious explosion without a scratch. Walked out of the fire and into my closet, where he will forever remain.

**_The End_**

Credits

Alec – Jensen "The God" Ackles

Max – Jessica "Lint For Brains" Alba

Logan – Michael "Cradle Robber" Weatherly

The Writer – Sarah aka LlamasInUnderpants

James Cameron – Himself aka High Lord of the Underworld

No poptarts or hermit-crabs were harmed during the writing of this story.

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End file.
